what don't kill us makes us strong...carry on...
well here i am, sittin down to write coopy mail...still the same coopy on the outside but a very different coopy on the inside...my life is still as chaotic as ever, i still wanna pull out my hair by evening yet now at the end of the day i don't see it as "omg thank god its bedtime those friggin kids drove me crazy"...it's more.."thank you god for blessing me with the gift of another day with the people i love the most..."...as nuts as i get, as close to pickin up the phone n committin myself just for peace n quiet prayin i don't have to hear another "mommy he's bothering us"...it's all totally worth it......why so different?...
wednesday night i sat here at the pc, after the kids went to bed, hubby knowing i'd be sittin here took his place on the couch briefly before going to bed by himself, i had not a care in the world..i'm shoppin online for accessories for the wedding and i was in a box or two...then i went to bed...at 3:30 A.M. we received the phone call we both had been hoping would never come...our friend had lost his battle with cancer 15 minutes before...this friend was not only a friend but a brother of a good 19 years to my hubby, my kids favorite "uncle", n my favorite friend...the one who would always be here every weekend so he could see the kids n gary could tinker with his prized possession..his truck, that they spent all last summer raising, n puttin the engine in n painting white w/ red flames on it...the one who when timmy would say "dad" pat would chime right up with.."what i'm right here"..n everyone would laugh..it was absolutely no secret i loved him to death, n he loved me n the kids..timmy n cakie especially cuz he'd be the one to rush over n sit w/ em when gary n i had to rush the others here n there for ear infections n what not...in his eyes timmy could do absolutely no wrong, the kid was a menace n he loved it, n katie was his lil princess...me, lol...i was the one he gave shit too..never enough cupcake cones for him when he came over after i had made the class cones, called me "the house gnome" as i stood inside the house behind the screen door all summer long peekin out now n then, he gave me shit constantly for never leavin the house, said i thought i'd melt if i crossed the end of the driveway, i can still hear him every weekend sittin on our couch when the kids would say mommy i need another drink..he'd chime in "mommy breathes all week long, she has the weekends off...ask daddy", always givin me shit..n the icing on the cake..when he found out i absolutely LOATHE being called "Dar", well of course it became the ONLY thing he'd call me from that point on (well until the house gnome crack,lol).......3 years ago at age 30 he found out he had skin cancer (a large growth he never had checked on account of lack of proper insurance on top of just being a procrastinating male)...he underwent intensive chemo n radiation, traveled all over, n fought so hard...within the past couple months it spread really fast n fierce, he couldn't walk anymore n without being able to drive he lost his will...but hung in there..we got the kids over about 3 weeks ago n we all hugged him n kissed him...he made it to his 33 birthday, he had cake with his dad on his dads birthday, n had his older brother set up one last "date" w/ his wife where he recreated a real date with her by word of mouth n then handed her a locket w/ his picture enclosed n asked her to marry him...2:30 the next morning he looked at his brother n told him he wanted to go to dana farber to die..his younger brother told him to "get out of here, he didn't need this anymore"...n 45 minutes later w/ both brothers at his side he passed away...i knew as soon as gary answered the phone that was what happened..i lost it siliently n gary closed up..i remember staring out the bedroom window laying in bed thinking n almost like a revelation..the sun still shines no matter what, we lost someone so close to us 2 hours ago n here the sun is shining...gary had the boys go to school n he went to work...he decided we'd tell the kids that night, the older boys knew what was going on but not when, i think they held out hope...i spent all day wondering, reflecting, worrying, n grieving...i know he knew it was right, n that the pain was gone..but ours was just starting...i took it upon myself to make mention to timmy n cakie who had been seeing me break down, i told them that uncle pat loves them very much n that he is their angel now.....its good enough for them...when gary got home it was just a somber mood, we hardly talked as usual...he told alex n chris..chris lost it...he would sit n be fine, then be breaking down n sobbing the next minute...broke my heart...this is their first death of someone so close...that night gary continued to close up, n i didn't pry, he went to bed, n then to work the next morning...i was informed there was a private wake friday night then the service sat. so i set off to line up sitters...
i'm probably rippin your hearts out n i am sorry for that, but it's part of the life of coopy, n in turn i feel its my tribute n in a sense its relieving...
friday night, we got dressed (imagine that i had to iron)...n with motherlesbianinlaw we left for the funeral home...upon entrance of this "private" service (i think only JFK had more people)...all the friends were there, we signed in n starred at a picture collage of pat, killed me i had to move...then we reached his oldest brother who just grabbed me n made me feel exactly like i needed to..i was comforted, he told me he was happy again, he was drivin around again...then i moved to his younger brother who hugged me n said "pat wanted me to tell you...thanks for coming..Dar"...i laughed n cried at the same time, such a shit..lol..then to his dad, always a doll, n his mom who i just held for awhile...then i moved over to his wife n just hugged her as tight as i could, no words...after that we sat in the back n just talked to everyone...n everything is in slow motion...as you're sitting there you overhear two people n one says.."nice to meet you"..n i remember thinking is it really so nice?...motherlesbianinlaw left, n we went from inside to outside (the flowers were killin hubby...that n about 5 different old lady perfumes)...back inside hubbys general manager came up to him n hugged him n saw me n said "oh i didn't even see ya there, ya blend.".i'm like "gee thx, i'd hope i stand out i'm better lookin.."...he says..."ya got that right sister, let me know when yer done w/ him"...those around us laffed, it was alot of jokes, just as pat would have it...after we somberly went n did our grocery shoppin..the kids wouldn't let us come home without little debbie cakes, n various other must haves,lol...knowing the hard day we had in front of us, we went to bed together n it had different meaning...we changed that night...saturday morning we got up n got the house ready for my mom who was watching the kids til the shift change when motherlesbianinlaw would take over after the funeral...we held the kids tight then got dressed..mom came w/ pies in hand for easter 'will you put these someplace safe"......i know in garys mind he thought fer a split second "yeah bend over"..but i took em n put em away n then showed her where a few things were...it came that time...gary looked at me n said ya ready?...n i looked at him n said..no, i don't want to...i almost lost it but pulled out of it n grabbin his hand we left...we got to the cemetary n i left my coat in the truck..BAD idea wearin a lil white shirt n long skirt..(nope, i went commando,lol)...we hugged the guys again n got our flowers...right before the service the truck drove up..just hearing that truck was enough for me to totally lose it..he was driven 1 last time in his truck..(btw folks don't go thinkin there was no hearse on account of me,lol..(see i still have it)...he was cremated n this was the only was the boys would have it (he also has his truck keys, his lighter n a pack of cigarettes w/ him)...during the serivice i couldn't stop the tears, i was a mess, no friggin kleenex either, i used my sleeve (now covered in cover up n snot,lol)...after the service we laid our flowers around him, i took garys hand again n i felt as tho i was holding him up...gary walked away after n i followed n just hugged him as he finally let it go...his mom n i w/ him just hugged....then others came to us n it was just a hug fest, all these big burly strong guys just lettin it go...n his brother cracked.."look at what he's doing...""especially gettin robbie in a suit"...(robbie is known as the slob of the group),lol....jokes were needed...then his two brothers with his wife in the middle climbed into his truck...then layin on the airhorn they drove away...(his wife hated the truck for the shear fact she hated climbin into it)....his younger brother is taking the truck..they cannot see a stranger buying it n rdriving it, it was his favorite thing his brother would tell ya he loved that truck more than his wife,lol n hearing how chris has taken this hard said he'll be over within the week to take chris out for a long ride in it possibly giving it to him when he's 16 after he's had 3 hernia operations from the shocks,lol.......we stopped home briefly to change then it was off to a bar where everyone was gathering...many drinks later n lots of bonding we came back home...gary was tanked n for once i didn't care...i knew coloring easter eggs would be interesting but i didn't care...gary boiled the eggs then took the kids outside..i changed n got dinner ready...night went pretty smoothly, we colored the eggs n then after the kids went to bed the easter bunny came, lol...hid the baskets n then passed out on the couch...i had no will to get on here so i went to bed, i was exhausted...
sunday mornin...kids were up before us, timmys basket was left in plain sight...so when gary came up he said...they were all sittin on the couch all quiet, alex said, "timmys basket is right there, can we look fo ours?"...gary said yes...bam, magically then went right to where their baskets where hidden, LOL...when i came up i overheard that they had found them 3 times b4 dad came up,lol...friggin kids, lol...i swear over the baby monitor i hear timmy goin "mmmm"...so i know they were samplin...lol...after breakfast my aunt stopped by, then motherlesbianinlaw came over to take the kids out for an egg hunt..about 3 mom, n gram, n lisa came over n it was pretty quiet..no fightin, no hard words, nuttin...then dad came n shortly after we sat down for dinner...(ham !!!)...by this time ya must know the kids are all sugared up, bouncin off the walls...then as they come down they are ridin the "whine wave" major...we had more drama goin on at our house than at julliard...thank god my family is known for "eattin n runnin"...after dessert they took off n we bathed the drama kings n queen n put em to bed...then gary n i took some time to find each other again...ya really see exactly whats in front of ya, n nothing else matters...i'm really one hell of a lucky woman.i may not have everything but what i have is more than most n i have an amazing man at my side...n i'm findin something that was buried, n its amazing seeing it n feeling it all again...n i guess i have pat to thank for that......he knew i wasn't happy, n i remember him last summer telling me he didn't let a day pass w/out telling his wife he loved her..last summer i just said "yeah well thats not us"...now it's me...i'm planning a much needed lil getaway for us this summer, n he's agreed..who woulda thunk?...lol..i have an angel in my corner too now...n i know he's smilin down on me...snickerin n callin me "Dar" too...that shit,lol....
hug yer kids tight n make sure ya tell everyone ya love just how important they are, we aren't here for long......as for me, well it's gonna be a longggggggg vacation week w/ all 4 home, but i have relief dates lined up throughout the week for breathers, one doctors follow up, n a family lunchdate, us with another of his friends on sunday...i'll be off n on n i'll be seeing ya's...if i'm not in 2 feel free to message me..l8ters t8ters...oh n dr. gates has said lisas dropped earlier than he expected so the video camera is ready for lack of father n i'm on standby...gawd i hope she makes it til her shower at least, thats the 24th of this month...sheesh...lol..kk i'm off like yesterdays underwear (iffen i wore em)...lol..
coopy
wednesday night i sat here at the pc, after the kids went to bed, hubby knowing i'd be sittin here took his place on the couch briefly before going to bed by himself, i had not a care in the world..i'm shoppin online for accessories for the wedding and i was in a box or two...then i went to bed...at 3:30 A.M. we received the phone call we both had been hoping would never come...our friend had lost his battle with cancer 15 minutes before...this friend was not only a friend but a brother of a good 19 years to my hubby, my kids favorite "uncle", n my favorite friend...the one who would always be here every weekend so he could see the kids n gary could tinker with his prized possession..his truck, that they spent all last summer raising, n puttin the engine in n painting white w/ red flames on it...the one who when timmy would say "dad" pat would chime right up with.."what i'm right here"..n everyone would laugh..it was absolutely no secret i loved him to death, n he loved me n the kids..timmy n cakie especially cuz he'd be the one to rush over n sit w/ em when gary n i had to rush the others here n there for ear infections n what not...in his eyes timmy could do absolutely no wrong, the kid was a menace n he loved it, n katie was his lil princess...me, lol...i was the one he gave shit too..never enough cupcake cones for him when he came over after i had made the class cones, called me "the house gnome" as i stood inside the house behind the screen door all summer long peekin out now n then, he gave me shit constantly for never leavin the house, said i thought i'd melt if i crossed the end of the driveway, i can still hear him every weekend sittin on our couch when the kids would say mommy i need another drink..he'd chime in "mommy breathes all week long, she has the weekends off...ask daddy", always givin me shit..n the icing on the cake..when he found out i absolutely LOATHE being called "Dar", well of course it became the ONLY thing he'd call me from that point on (well until the house gnome crack,lol).......3 years ago at age 30 he found out he had skin cancer (a large growth he never had checked on account of lack of proper insurance on top of just being a procrastinating male)...he underwent intensive chemo n radiation, traveled all over, n fought so hard...within the past couple months it spread really fast n fierce, he couldn't walk anymore n without being able to drive he lost his will...but hung in there..we got the kids over about 3 weeks ago n we all hugged him n kissed him...he made it to his 33 birthday, he had cake with his dad on his dads birthday, n had his older brother set up one last "date" w/ his wife where he recreated a real date with her by word of mouth n then handed her a locket w/ his picture enclosed n asked her to marry him...2:30 the next morning he looked at his brother n told him he wanted to go to dana farber to die..his younger brother told him to "get out of here, he didn't need this anymore"...n 45 minutes later w/ both brothers at his side he passed away...i knew as soon as gary answered the phone that was what happened..i lost it siliently n gary closed up..i remember staring out the bedroom window laying in bed thinking n almost like a revelation..the sun still shines no matter what, we lost someone so close to us 2 hours ago n here the sun is shining...gary had the boys go to school n he went to work...he decided we'd tell the kids that night, the older boys knew what was going on but not when, i think they held out hope...i spent all day wondering, reflecting, worrying, n grieving...i know he knew it was right, n that the pain was gone..but ours was just starting...i took it upon myself to make mention to timmy n cakie who had been seeing me break down, i told them that uncle pat loves them very much n that he is their angel now.....its good enough for them...when gary got home it was just a somber mood, we hardly talked as usual...he told alex n chris..chris lost it...he would sit n be fine, then be breaking down n sobbing the next minute...broke my heart...this is their first death of someone so close...that night gary continued to close up, n i didn't pry, he went to bed, n then to work the next morning...i was informed there was a private wake friday night then the service sat. so i set off to line up sitters...
i'm probably rippin your hearts out n i am sorry for that, but it's part of the life of coopy, n in turn i feel its my tribute n in a sense its relieving...
friday night, we got dressed (imagine that i had to iron)...n with motherlesbianinlaw we left for the funeral home...upon entrance of this "private" service (i think only JFK had more people)...all the friends were there, we signed in n starred at a picture collage of pat, killed me i had to move...then we reached his oldest brother who just grabbed me n made me feel exactly like i needed to..i was comforted, he told me he was happy again, he was drivin around again...then i moved to his younger brother who hugged me n said "pat wanted me to tell you...thanks for coming..Dar"...i laughed n cried at the same time, such a shit..lol..then to his dad, always a doll, n his mom who i just held for awhile...then i moved over to his wife n just hugged her as tight as i could, no words...after that we sat in the back n just talked to everyone...n everything is in slow motion...as you're sitting there you overhear two people n one says.."nice to meet you"..n i remember thinking is it really so nice?...motherlesbianinlaw left, n we went from inside to outside (the flowers were killin hubby...that n about 5 different old lady perfumes)...back inside hubbys general manager came up to him n hugged him n saw me n said "oh i didn't even see ya there, ya blend.".i'm like "gee thx, i'd hope i stand out i'm better lookin.."...he says..."ya got that right sister, let me know when yer done w/ him"...those around us laffed, it was alot of jokes, just as pat would have it...after we somberly went n did our grocery shoppin..the kids wouldn't let us come home without little debbie cakes, n various other must haves,lol...knowing the hard day we had in front of us, we went to bed together n it had different meaning...we changed that night...saturday morning we got up n got the house ready for my mom who was watching the kids til the shift change when motherlesbianinlaw would take over after the funeral...we held the kids tight then got dressed..mom came w/ pies in hand for easter 'will you put these someplace safe"......i know in garys mind he thought fer a split second "yeah bend over"..but i took em n put em away n then showed her where a few things were...it came that time...gary looked at me n said ya ready?...n i looked at him n said..no, i don't want to...i almost lost it but pulled out of it n grabbin his hand we left...we got to the cemetary n i left my coat in the truck..BAD idea wearin a lil white shirt n long skirt..(nope, i went commando,lol)...we hugged the guys again n got our flowers...right before the service the truck drove up..just hearing that truck was enough for me to totally lose it..he was driven 1 last time in his truck..(btw folks don't go thinkin there was no hearse on account of me,lol..(see i still have it)...he was cremated n this was the only was the boys would have it (he also has his truck keys, his lighter n a pack of cigarettes w/ him)...during the serivice i couldn't stop the tears, i was a mess, no friggin kleenex either, i used my sleeve (now covered in cover up n snot,lol)...after the service we laid our flowers around him, i took garys hand again n i felt as tho i was holding him up...gary walked away after n i followed n just hugged him as he finally let it go...his mom n i w/ him just hugged....then others came to us n it was just a hug fest, all these big burly strong guys just lettin it go...n his brother cracked.."look at what he's doing...""especially gettin robbie in a suit"...(robbie is known as the slob of the group),lol....jokes were needed...then his two brothers with his wife in the middle climbed into his truck...then layin on the airhorn they drove away...(his wife hated the truck for the shear fact she hated climbin into it)....his younger brother is taking the truck..they cannot see a stranger buying it n rdriving it, it was his favorite thing his brother would tell ya he loved that truck more than his wife,lol n hearing how chris has taken this hard said he'll be over within the week to take chris out for a long ride in it possibly giving it to him when he's 16 after he's had 3 hernia operations from the shocks,lol.......we stopped home briefly to change then it was off to a bar where everyone was gathering...many drinks later n lots of bonding we came back home...gary was tanked n for once i didn't care...i knew coloring easter eggs would be interesting but i didn't care...gary boiled the eggs then took the kids outside..i changed n got dinner ready...night went pretty smoothly, we colored the eggs n then after the kids went to bed the easter bunny came, lol...hid the baskets n then passed out on the couch...i had no will to get on here so i went to bed, i was exhausted...
sunday mornin...kids were up before us, timmys basket was left in plain sight...so when gary came up he said...they were all sittin on the couch all quiet, alex said, "timmys basket is right there, can we look fo ours?"...gary said yes...bam, magically then went right to where their baskets where hidden, LOL...when i came up i overheard that they had found them 3 times b4 dad came up,lol...friggin kids, lol...i swear over the baby monitor i hear timmy goin "mmmm"...so i know they were samplin...lol...after breakfast my aunt stopped by, then motherlesbianinlaw came over to take the kids out for an egg hunt..about 3 mom, n gram, n lisa came over n it was pretty quiet..no fightin, no hard words, nuttin...then dad came n shortly after we sat down for dinner...(ham !!!)...by this time ya must know the kids are all sugared up, bouncin off the walls...then as they come down they are ridin the "whine wave" major...we had more drama goin on at our house than at julliard...thank god my family is known for "eattin n runnin"...after dessert they took off n we bathed the drama kings n queen n put em to bed...then gary n i took some time to find each other again...ya really see exactly whats in front of ya, n nothing else matters...i'm really one hell of a lucky woman.i may not have everything but what i have is more than most n i have an amazing man at my side...n i'm findin something that was buried, n its amazing seeing it n feeling it all again...n i guess i have pat to thank for that......he knew i wasn't happy, n i remember him last summer telling me he didn't let a day pass w/out telling his wife he loved her..last summer i just said "yeah well thats not us"...now it's me...i'm planning a much needed lil getaway for us this summer, n he's agreed..who woulda thunk?...lol..i have an angel in my corner too now...n i know he's smilin down on me...snickerin n callin me "Dar" too...that shit,lol....
hug yer kids tight n make sure ya tell everyone ya love just how important they are, we aren't here for long......as for me, well it's gonna be a longggggggg vacation week w/ all 4 home, but i have relief dates lined up throughout the week for breathers, one doctors follow up, n a family lunchdate, us with another of his friends on sunday...i'll be off n on n i'll be seeing ya's...if i'm not in 2 feel free to message me..l8ters t8ters...oh n dr. gates has said lisas dropped earlier than he expected so the video camera is ready for lack of father n i'm on standby...gawd i hope she makes it til her shower at least, thats the 24th of this month...sheesh...lol..kk i'm off like yesterdays underwear (iffen i wore em)...lol..
coopy
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